“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defea...”

“Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.”

“In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome d...”

“TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his d...”

“To err is human - but it feels divine.”

“Insanity is a gradual process - don't rush it.”

“Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.”

“The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.”

“The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires.”

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”

“You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”