46 quotes
American stand-up comedian (1937–2008)
“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
on Philosophy
"People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them."
"Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."
on Humor
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
"Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?"
"If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?"
on Death
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."
"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."
on Time
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."
on Nature
"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."
on Dreams
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
on Wisdom
"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."
"Electricity is really just organized lightning"
on Science
"Life is tough, then you die."
on Resilience
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
