46 quotes
American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist (1842–1914)
“A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.”
"Prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support."
on Philosophy
"Cynicism is that blackguard defect of vision which compels us to see the world as it is instead of as it should be."
"History n: an account mostly false of events mostly unimportant which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves and soldiers mostly fools."
on History
"Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope."
on Hope
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."
on Wisdom
"Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be."
on Perception
"TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance."
on Humor
"Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence."
"JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping."
on Jealousy
"Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught."
"Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others."
on Politics
"Epitaph n: an inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect."
on Death
"Education n: that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."
"Destiny n: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure."
"Acquaintance n: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to."
on Relationships
"Marriage n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master a mistress and two slaves making in all two."
"Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."
"Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility."
"So I say a name, even if self-bestowed, is better than a number. In the register of the potter's field I shall soon have both. What wealth!"
on Identity
"In the presence of death reason and philosophy are silent"