“TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.”
More from Ambrose Bierce on Humor
“Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.”
“DOG: A kind of additional or subsidiary Diety designed to catch the overflow or surplus of the world's worship.”
“Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.”
“acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”
“Bore: a person who talks when you wish him to listen.”
“Abstainer: a weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”
“ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.”
“Apologize v: to lay the foundation for a future offence.”
“Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.”
Others on Humor
Groucho Marx
23 quotes“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
George Carlin
13 quotes“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
H. L. Mencken
11 quotes“Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.”
Sir Winston Churchill
10 quotes“Always remember, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”
Douglas Adams
9 quotes“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special law...”
Mary West
9 quotes“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.”
Laurence Peter
9 quotes“Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.”
Will Rogers
8 quotes“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.”
Dorothy Parker
8 quotes“Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.”
Henry Kissinger
7 quotes“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.”
Rodney Dangerfield
7 quotes“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Steven Wright
6 quotes“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”