40 quotes
American comedian (1890–1977)
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
on Humor
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
on Wisdom
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."
"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."
on Friendship
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."
"While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."
"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"
on Life
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
