“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

“Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.”

“Apologize v: to lay the foundation for a future offence.”

“Always remember, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”

“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special law...”

“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.”

“Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.”

“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.”

“Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.”

“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”