“I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”
More from Groucho Marx on Humor
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
“While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”
“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”
“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
Others on Humor
George Carlin
13 quotes“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
H. L. Mencken
11 quotes“Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.”
Ambrose Bierce
10 quotes“Apologize v: to lay the foundation for a future offence.”
Sir Winston Churchill
10 quotes“Always remember, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”
Douglas Adams
9 quotes“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special law...”
Mary West
9 quotes“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.”
Laurence Peter
9 quotes“Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.”
Will Rogers
8 quotes“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.”
Dorothy Parker
8 quotes“Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.”
Henry Kissinger
7 quotes“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.”
Rodney Dangerfield
7 quotes“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Steven Wright
6 quotes“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”