“acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”
More from Ambrose Bierce on Humor
“TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.”
“Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.”
“DOG: A kind of additional or subsidiary Diety designed to catch the overflow or surplus of the world's worship.”
“Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.”
“Bore: a person who talks when you wish him to listen.”
“Abstainer: a weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”
“ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.”
“Apologize v: to lay the foundation for a future offence.”
“Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.”
Others on Humor
Groucho Marx
23 quotes“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
George Carlin
13 quotes“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
H. L. Mencken
11 quotes“Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.”
Sir Winston Churchill
10 quotes“Always remember, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”
Douglas Adams
9 quotes“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special law...”
Mary West
9 quotes“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.”
Laurence Peter
9 quotes“Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.”
Will Rogers
8 quotes“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.”
Dorothy Parker
8 quotes“Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.”
Henry Kissinger
7 quotes“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.”
Rodney Dangerfield
7 quotes“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Steven Wright
6 quotes“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”